Think, Stef. Think

When will I learn to keep my damn mouth shut, to calm down, a tone it down?

I did a stupid thing today. I once again let myself get in the way of myself.

in·ten·si·ty
Pronunciation[in-ten-si-tee] –noun, plural -ties.

1. the quality or condition of being intense.
2. great energy, strength, concentration, vehemence, etc., as of activity, thought, or
feeling: He went at the job with great intensity.
3. a high or extreme degree, as of cold or heat.
4. the degree or extent to which something is intense.
5. a high degree of emotional excitement; depth of feeling: The poem lacked
intensity and left me unmoved.

I am entirely to emotionally intense, and it can be draining. Today, a conversation got a bit out of control, and I picked an emotional scab. I didn’t even see it coming because I let my emotions take control, and reason took a back seat. I knew that I shouldn’t have been bringing certain things up – intellectually. But I did it anyway. What is this need to “get everything out?” What is it about my emotions that they only come to the surface when its too damn late? I swear, I don’t do it intentionally. I cant help myself. And I need to work on it.

Am I really that sick and twisted? Why do I torture those whom I hold most dear with my own bullshit? Why do I torture myself? I dream constantly, I chase goals fervently, I love deeply and thoroughly. But I must learn to temper that. To even it out. To calm the fire that can be my tongue. Not to extinguish it, but to get it under control sometimes.

I love fully, completely, and deeply. That I know about myself. I have goals that I pursue endlessly, sometimes to my detriment. You'd think that after the conversation I had last night, I'd know better. I should have listened.

I am sorry. It wasn’t on purpose. That was not my intention. At all. It won’t happen
again.

I need to be by myself for a while...

What man would be able to maintain his sanity, after looking eternity in the eye?

I recently found out the exact length of ‘forever.’ I would share it, but it is not my wish to burden you with the fact that things never last as long as we wish. There is always a tomorrow; the only guarantee being that it will not be the same as today. And occasionally, that tomorrow is one without what made yesterday so special.

When that day comes, all that remains are memories. Memories that elate and infuriate, torment and delight. They’re gone now, but they happened. They happened, but they are gone now. Memories in bottles, scratched on trees, scribbled in margins. Time left. In parks, on benches, on steps, on blocks, in homes, in streets. In cars, on trains, in time, in space. In cars, on trains, in time, in space. In traces of dried tears, in declarations; of pleasure, of pain.

In the end, for every glue there exists a solvent. Although hearts, minds and souls are built of sturdy stock they, like all things, are weakest at the seams.

How would we consider yesterday, and act today, if we knew what tomorrow was lurking in the shadows? Would our tongues be as bold? Our spirits so confident and careless? If nothing else, staring into the lifeless eyes of Ever, will teach a man to appreciate the moments and todays we have. It will also rob you of the faculties required to take advantage. A sad state of affairs.

The grass is always greener tomorrow; as each day provides growth. In time, that grass will brown, as grass does. In time, we will meet Time – and he bears grave stones for us all.

HURRY UP!!! … and wait

“Hurry. Hurry! HURRY!!! I’ve got somewhere to go!”

“Where you going in such a hurry?”

“That’s irrelevant, just get out of my way so I can get there!”

“…Asshole…”

This is a conversation I had earlier this week, in front of the elevator at work. Ok, so I didn’t exactly have this conversation, but it’s how I saw it going in my mind. For the third time this week, some guy was rushing to get onto the elevator on the first floor before everyone could get off. And it was only Tuesday. Mind you, I work from home on Mondays. This was all after I saw the lady get her huge purse stuck in the train doors, because she just HAD to make this train. After the kid with the fatigues on damn near took my arm of on 8^th Avenue running to G-d knows where. All this got me to thinking. What are we rushing for?

Think about the typical day in NYC:

• Get out of bed, and hurry to get into the shower because you woke up late.


• You skip breakfast of course.


• You rush to the train station, but of course, you JUST miss that crowded-ass train, so you have to wait a whole THREE MINUTES for the next crowded-ass train.


• Now you’re late, so of course you’re on the train tapping your foot and yelling at the conductor to ‘CLOSE THE DAMN DOORS, ALREADY!!’ – in your head of course.


• You walk into the office a whole 13 minutes late; no one really cares, but you still think everyone is watching.


• You have to catch up with that ‘Mission Critical’ email that came through 5 minutes after you left the office last night (late, of course); so now you’re whole day is rushed.


• Hurry to grab your [expensive sandwich] for the 15 minutes you get before you have to hurry back to the office for that 2pm conference call – where you’re to busy eating said sandwich to open your mouth for the whole call.


• You had to stay late at the office, and finish up yet ANOTHER project, and answer that email that came from L.A. – where it’s still relatively early, of course, so now you have to rush home, and try to find something to eat.


• By the time you’ve gotten home, changed your clothes, put a little bit in your stomach, and you can finally relax … it’s time to go to bed.

Welcome to the life of a Yuppie/Buppie. Never a moment to relax, never a moment to breathe. That’s how it is in “The City That Never Sleeps.” I’m sure it’s like this in a lot of other cities.

At some point in life, I think it’s important that we slow down. Smell the roses, look at a sunrise and all that mishagoss. Life is passing faster now, and that probably has everything to do with not being able to slow down. It’s not the World that moving any faster; its that we’re too busy rushing to realize the value of the time we have.

SLOW DOWN

At the Crossroads: Controlling Our Transformation

Crossroads are the most important points in this geocentric space called life. They are vital for one's transformation from the old to the new, from rational to irrational, from the tangible to the intangible, from the imagination to the reality. Crossroads are necessary intersections that negotiate our relationship with that which we cannot see and which we cannot know. For this reason, crossroads are often approached reluctantly.

But crossroads define our life and thus would make life impossible without them. Historically, these points of intersection have given way to an extension of life rather than the shrinking of it that we commonly associate with them. 1992 Nobel Prize writer Derek Walcott, describes the historical crossroads that gave way to Black Atlantic cultures and religion. He states in "The Antilles, Fragments of Epic Memories,"

Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger
than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole...
This gathering of broken pieces are disparate, ill-fitting, they contain
more pain than their original sculpture, those icons and sacred vessels
taken for granted in their ancestral places. Antillean art is the restoration
of our shattered histories, our shards of vocabulary, our archipelago
becoming a synonym for pieces broken off from the original continent...
This is the basis of the Antillean experience, this shipwreck of fragments,
these echoes, these shards of a huge tribal vocabulary, these partially
remembered customs, and they are not decayed but strong. They
survived the Middle Passage," (Walcott 2).

While Walcott speaks of the transformative process by which the Old World became the New, a process that did not shrink the lives of my ancestors who were brutally kidnapped from the life they knew but extended it, it is important to understand this process as being one in the same as the process we experience as individuals. Just as it is a fallacy to think of Black Atlantic cultures, languages, and religions as a separation from West African cultures, languages, and religions, it is incorrect to consider our present circumstances so separate from our future. Our future is merely an extension of our present state that embodies all of the new creations that developed out of the collision between what was and what is.

What many of us fear in our terrifying twenties, is the collision itself. As many of us have experienced, the point of any collision is, more often than not, rocky and painful. Ironically, in the middle of me writing this blog, I cried for the tension in my current relationship....long distance relationship. I'm at a point in my life at the age of 24 and as a woman slowly coming into her own, where I no longer want to be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I can't just date someone for fun anymore...I feel as if my time is getting shorter and the days are moving quicker. Being the youngest of three, I have always grown up more quickly than most other women my age and so I see 30 approaching rapidly (my naivety telling me that 30 is old and that I should be married and headed toward children by then). So little arguments I have with my boyfriend of seven months seem magnified and telling of our future. I sat scared for what the recent tension in our relationship means...a breakup? Maybe infidelity? Maybe abuse? Maybe it means I'm supposed to find something new? Something new of myself or of him? These collisions of the reality of my relationship and the imagination of what will become of it continue and my reluctance to see that a transformation is taking place continues. However, I am nonetheless at a crossroad in this relationship, a crossroad that I'm afraid to confront.

Fear of the unknown and unseen is not unnatural, but comes with the territory of collision and eventual transformation that occur at our crossroads. Fear, like any emotion, is merely a form of energy. Knowing that energy can be neither created or destroyed, we know that we have control over the process of transformation through the way and the place in which we transfer our energy. I guess I would consider myself in love with this man. But more and more each day I begin to feel that being in love is overrated. If the arguments persist, if he continues to show his ass, will I allow my fear to be transferred into a place of emotional suppression in which I simply put up with more at the expense of my own feelings...because I'm in love? Or, will I channel my fear into a place of strength in which I muster up the courage to walk away? Essentially, will I facilitate the transformation into an abusive relationship or the transformation into a stronger and more secure self? What happens before and after the point of our crossroads is thus entirely of our own control.

But even when at one crossroad our transformation doesn't yield the most hopeful outcomes, we have still created an experience, no matter how shattered and fragmented it may be, that is invaluable. Life is about building upon experience, good or bad, to create new ones. It is not about choosing which experiences will have meaning and which will not. Every experience will inevitably have meaning for our new one's and will thus extend our existence, not shrink it. If we begin to think in every moment that it is not our last, but our first, we may begin to approach those crossroads with less apprehension but with more eagerness. That is not to say that the collisions that make life difficult like being broke, or lonely, or in pain, should be easy or feel good. Certainly, the tearing up of families, the forced slavery that my ancestors experienced was not easy. However, it is to say that these "shards", these broken pieces of our life, can be assembled into an expression of life that is greater than what we are or what we were if we have the audacity to consider these collisions foundations for our progression.

This So Called Life, Pt. 2

Here is the continuation of my previous post. A few more things about life I've learned.

America crushes dreams

“I want to be a doctor!”
“I want to be a fireman!”
“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I want to be a basketball player!”

Do you remember these exhortations we all made for the first time, somewhere around 3^rd or 4^th grade. Like robots with faulty memories, we shouted them out on queue, but almost every time the answer was different.

We are all taught as children that we can be whatever we want to be. What they don’t teach you is what your chances are, how hard you have to work, and how lucky you have to be. Of the approximately 6½ billion people in the world: 453 (approx) have [ever flown in space] and 360 are playing in the NBA right now. That’s 0.000000697% and 0.000000554% respectively. Depressing, isn’t it?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that its wrong to dream or have goals to set. I have mine, which aren’t to be a fireman or doctor, but they definitely require sacrifice. What I am saying is that we have been set up for the disappointments we are now facing. Because the enemy of dreams isn’t false hope – it’s reality.

All through high school and college you have these plans. Marriage by 25, owning our own businesses, writing books, etc. But 22 comes and though you’ve graduated, your dream job is wack. Three years later, you’re still half struggling because your dream job pays shit. You take another gig just to make money, but now you’re miserable. It’s almost impossible to advance, because the baby boomers at the top, our parents, won’t move out of the way.

Love isn’t what the movies told you it was. You actually have to work at it. And most of the people you meet are too mired down in their own lives. People change during this time – maturing (or not), their interests diversifying (or not), forming new habits, and so on – and what you’re left with is someone completely different from who you met as a teenager. So that relationship, or marriage, or friendship falls apart slowly.

There are many obstacles that you only find out about in your 4^th cycle. And the majority of them have to do with the way we live. If you want to be a consumer, you have to make money – and lots of it, as there’s always something new to buy here. If you have that dream gig in mind, you’re going to have to sacrifice something. If you want that Prince Charming, you’ll have to face the fact that he’s not as perfect as he was when you dreamed he was after prom night.

Now is when you have to make the choice: Will you follow that dream? Change that dream? Or allow yourself to be crushed?

No one cares about you when you’re broke

Think I’m joking? Here’s an experiment. The next few times someone asks you to go somewhere, tell them you can’t because you’re “low on funds.” Then see how quickly the phone calls cease.At this time in life, the inequalities of life start. All through high school, and college, you and your peers are more or less on the same “level.” If you’re broke, you’re broke together. Working similar crappy jobs. But once you get into real life, things become stratified. This one has a good job, the other one is still in school, and that one is still “finding themselves.”

So when its time to go out for drinks, or to the Bahamas for vacation, the broke person is left at home. And the relationships begin to break down. Not to say that one person should always have to cover for another, but that person is often left at home. And ends up being left out. In America, if you don’t have money – and thus the capacity to be a consumer – no one cares about you. Especially if you’re a man. Fuggedabatit.

Better Than CarFax!

I've been having this in-depth conversation with myself the past few days and though I'm happy with the outcome in that I've come to a few necessary realizations, I'm also a bit disappointed in myself. Reason being is that the realizations I have made are in regards to issues I thought I had dealt with long ago. In accordance with the theme of this blog, I am a 28-year-old woman who has come to a crossroads within her life. More specifically, I'm at an age where I'm no longer dating. At this point, my relationship has a long-term goal and to reach this goal, there are steps that need to be taken. Maybe its better if I put it this way...

I'm buying a minivan...

No more flashy coupes and sports cars. A minivan is a vehicle you buy for stability. It has that feature that will correct your wheels if it feels that you've lost control, it has tons of room, its comfortable but functional as well so you never lose sight of its purpose, it is THEE ultimate "I'm ready to settle down and have a family" symbol... I could go on and on but I think you get my point. I'm looking at the big picture. The person I'm with has to have similar goals, be ambitious, working... But its not enough to just go out looking for this criteria because in reality, the "finding" part is not the hard part, its the maintenance...

To keep your vehicle running smoothly, you must perform regular maintenance...

Like I said before, minivans are comfortable vehicles, but you shouldn't take that comfort for granted. If you don't maintain that van, it WILL start to not run as smoothly and eventually not run at all with continued maltreatment. One thing I've come to realize is that the longer you've had a vehicle, the easier it is to pick up on when something is wrong. What happens a lot of the time, however, is either a) thinking that its no big deal and will fix itself, b) misreading of "signals" because after all, it is a vehicle and what it thinks is a sure fire way of letting you know something is wrong may not come across as clear to you. Therefore, you must perform regular maintenance. If something seems wrong, check on it. It may be nothing but let a "nothing" go by for too long and more than likely it'll become a "something". As for the minivan, everyone is not "auto-savvy". Speak up! Blow that horn! Blow a gasket! Whatever. Just don't sit their idling, though, and expect the consumer to understand that there's a problem. Furthermore...

Just because your minivan sputters every now and then DOES NOT make it a lemon...

"Lemon laws are United States state laws that remedies to consumers for cars that repeatedly fail to meet certain standards of quality and performance" (Wikipedia.org). Translation, don't and to expect something to the contrary is foolish. What you need to learn is what is tolerable, and what isn't. If your headlight bulb blows, that's simple to fix. Now if your engine falls out, you know that takes A LOT of work, work that u have to decide is worth it. Either way, don't run back to the dealer at the first sign of trouble. You keep turning in your vehicle for every little thing, no one is going to want to sell to you anymore. Work at it, and it'll become finely tuned to your needs. Last but not least...

A minivan is not a station wagon, is not a sedan, is not a SUV...

Therefore, don't expect it to act as such. More specifically, don't make comparisons and be upset when they don't measure up because you're comparing apples and oranges. The word "vehicle" is just an umbrella word. Many makes and models fall under that umbrella. Therefore, all vehicles are NOT the same. How one vehicle does or doesn't respond does not dictate the quota for all. You wouldn't put diesel fuel in a Maserati would you? So you can hardly be upset when you treat your minivan as something it's not and don't get the reaction you were looking for.

Summarization...

Know what you're looking for. Realize what is a must and what you're willing to concede on. If you're too picky, you'll find yourself walking for quite some time. Regular maintenance, pick your battles wisely as to what needs "fixing". Follow these rules and you'll be the happy, proud owner of a Luxury Minivan!!! Now this may seem like regurgitated information. However, I realize that being this age and at this stage of my life makes me more ready to absorb and apply this information. It also makes me realize a lot easier when I'm not doing my part. So, my knowledge is now yours. I hope that it is taken as such. Now...

GO OUT AND BUY YOURSELF A MINIVAN!!!! =)

Secret Silencer - Neutrality

For some odd reason, as I get older, I become even more aware of the two extremes to a situation. A couple of days ago, I felt like I could go from one extreme to the other in 2.945 seconds. One second I wanted to go postal, just use my mouth as an assault weapon. Then, the next second I just wanted to be home under my spring clean linen musing in the dark about how life would be better by myself.

No, I am not bi-polar, contrary to popular belief. But, there are situations that arise that will show one the duality of one's personality. Good vs. evil, kind vs. harsh, even-tempered vs. ill-tempered, and so forth. We talk about being neutral, but looking at the scenarios I just presented, we seem to choose one or the other. There is no in between.

So, please...help me understand how we can be so neutral in this world, where some seem to choose one versus the other and not the in between? Well, there are some cases were you can be neutral, but daggonit...now that I am growing more mature...the more I see that I have to pick a side because neutrality is starting to become slothfulness to me. Like a slow dance to a prom song everyone heard way too many times, it becomes agonizing! Or neutrality means I just don't give a crap, it really isn't that important to me. And there are times, like when Toys R' Us sent me a survey or Rite Aid asked me about my shopping experience...I mean...some of those questions, yeah I filled in neutral. But, that can carry over to important issues. I am not going to front, at times, I am neutral concerning things because I don't care or I am too lazy to fully comprehend the situation or the content presented to me. Like the election...I really don't care about it. I am not neutral about it, I wouldn't vote for Hillary or Obama. Truth be told, Hillary or Obama could not and WILL NOT affect our neighborhoods or communities like WE CAN. Look at MLK Jr., he work in, with, and through the community and then, got to the White House. Uh, oh...probably started something with that statement, but I am "neutral" on what people think;)

Anyway, anyway...how in the world does this tie into Every 7 years...as each phase of life transpires, I realize my inadequacies more and more. It can be startling or enlightening. I realize the complexities of life and that not every question can be given just a yes or no answer. Sometimes, we have to "work" to get that answer. Sometimes, neutrality can be an easy way out of thinking or choosing a particular side. There's a lot of people walking around here with neutral opinions about important issues and that can play a part of why we are so slow to change the things that are happening around us. Garbage around the apartment complex, oh..I am neutral on that, who cares I'm not throwing the garbage on the lawn and who ever is doing it is not going to change anyway. Neutrality can also be a punk way to avoid conflict. I don't think anything built to last has not experienced conflict. Some of the greatest struggles we have had birth a new era. Be it Independence from England, the Women's Suffrage movement, or the Civil Rights movement or to bring it a little closer to home and personalize it, the War on Drugs in the 80's...struggle or conflict was a pre-requisite to birth. I digress...if we were neutral on these topics where would we be today? If we stopped being neutral about the present state of the world, where could we go...what can we aspire to be?

a case of the 7's

many things come in sevens, (continents, wonders of the world, days of the week, chakras, notes on a musical scale, colors of the rainbow etc). so there is a school of thought that believes our life cycles flow in 7's as well...

0= birth, it is our foundation. by age 7 we have gained a sense of self, in terms of separating ourselves more and more from the womb. by 14 we have been taken into puberty and the ability to procreate; our response-abilities begin to take an incline at this time. by 21 we begin being taken through varying stages of independence as we traverse the often murky terrain of adulthood.

so here i am, approaching my 4th seven year cycle. age 28 should bring us into the cycle that is all about life purpose and our creativity (hence this often begins the bulk of our childbearing and rearing years). and fittingly, i have been contemplating and working on LIVING my life purpose as well as being planted in the trenches of child rearing...

i often wonder how many people contemplate life the way i do, it seems so many people just drift throughout life not really evaluating its ins and outs and really doing what they can to make the most of the gift. ...and then i am thankful to have people in my life i can build with who do share common viewpoints and approaches to life. but anywho...

these last years of this 21-28 cycle have been challenging to say the least. i think this phase just showed me how much i DIDN'T really know. there was lots of trial and error. there were lots of triumphs too, but there were many times where the triumphs felt like they were muted by all the trials. i must say though that i feel much wiser than i ever have and i am grateful for every experience, even the ones i think i could have done without.

some of the biggest lessons i've learned were to:

• ...trust myself more (especially my spiritual faculties)
• ...come into full realization of what being a woman is (i imagine, i will continue to learn lessons revolving around this)
• ...not be afraid of being wrong because being wrong gives you an opportunity to be right the next time around. and also, it's not so much about being right and wrong, but more so about doing what we know is BEST (that ties back into trusting oneself). when we do what we know is best for us at the time, there is no right and wrong...and no regrets. i endeavor to live a regret-free life.
• ...not be afraid of being ME! this is a big one. it also ties into my first one, but it has more to do with my power and overall purpose. i no longer stunt and stop myself from living (power)FULLY...i am truly the center of MY universe...i create my conditions...
  

i have also learned the value of friendship and sisterhood. these two things have taught me SO much and they are also things that i could not have done without. motherhood has also been a tremendous teacher that i could in no way begin to write about here. but i can definitely say it has been a wonderful addition to my life that i do my best not to take for granted.

so they say the next life cycle at 35 should be all about knowledge and spiritual vision. so my focus right now is to build on all i have acquired before, so i can make use of it in a higher way both now and especially once that next cycle rolls around (God-willing). and my life purpose...i've recognized that a huge part of my life purpose is to be a teacher. in being a teacher i am also a student, so i look to learn from every circumstance i create and even those that i don't...

despite the tumultuous times of my 20's, i look forward to all that's ahead. with as much as i've gone through, i feel inspired, strengthened, en-couraged and confident i will get through whatever is ahead with a lot more savvy than i have before and isn't what this life thing is about?